8. On Christmas Music
Featuring my world famous Advent playlists!
I say this with the utmost sincerity, and without a hint of antagonism: it is deeply uncool to like Christmas music… and I love Christmas music. It just is, and I just do. It’s so saccharine, so bourgeois and bland and out of touch, and I love it. And I don’t mean, “It’s not actually those things, it actually is cool, and here’s why…” No, it totally is those things… and I love it.
A lot of popular Christmas music has very little artistic merit. Even the stuff that has some can get so overplayed that semantic satiation sets in and it disappears into the background at best—if not becoming a source of psychological pain (case in point, Mariah Carey’s All I Want For Christmas is You, the Patron Song of Overplayed, Annoying Christmas Songs; an excellent pop song by any objective standard, but we all seem to collectively hate it more and more every year, no?). But, at least for a week or two every November, I even enjoy those songs (before I eventually get sick of them like everyone else).
But there really is some beautiful, interesting, and daring Christmas music out there that you’ve probably never heard. If you go beyond the ubiquitous Kirkland brand stuff—your Pentateuchs and your Micheal Soufflés (which, don’t get me wrong, most certainly have their place!)—there’s a world of more rich and compelling music out there to help you feel all the feels of the holiday season (both cheery and blue). If you’re at all interested in visiting that world, I’d be honored if you made me your tour guide this season.
My favorite Christmas album ever, for example, is Sufjan Stevens’s 2.5 hour long, 58 song, meta-modern psychedelic fever dream, Silver and Gold. Some day I hope to write more extensively about it because it is such a fascinating piece of music, apart from it’s holiday theme. But for now I’ll say this: in my experience there are 3 ways to listen to it:
The only sane, healthy way: skip through some (or most) of the weird stuff and get to the really listenable, pleasant songs (of which there are plenty; “Lumberjack Christmas”, “The Midnight Clear”, “Angels We Have Heard On High”, “Christmas in the Room”, “Justice Delivers Its Death”, and “Christmas Unicorn” are some of my favorites).
Beginning to end, without a single skip or pause, in one sitting, as I attempt at least once per year. I’ve never fully succeeded but upon failure, I still always finish the album later on. This is a harrowing and rewarding trek through a dense wilderness. When you binge an album containing dark traditional choral pieces about Christ’s suffering, 12 minute atonal electronic jam sessions, and a cover of Prince’s “Alphabet Street”, you don’t come away the same man you were before you began.
Same as #2, but late at night in a gigantic old church alone while wiring up stage lighting for advent decorations. I’ve only attempted once and I do not recommend. I got too freaked out during “Even the Earth Will Perish and the Universe Give Way”. Had to put on some Michael Booshay just to recover.
On the complete other end of the spectrum, I’ll recommend one more album before we get to the moment you’ve ALL been waiting for, my World Famous Christmas Playlists:
Leslie Odom Jr.’s 2017 masterpiece, Simply Christmas (not to be confused with 2020’s “The Christmas Album” which is meh). This is my 2nd favorite Christmas album ever, and it’s nothing like Silver & Gold. It’s just a classic, no non-sense, pop-jazz Christmas album. Odom’s singing here is basically the auditory manifestation of the spices they put in hot cider. It’s warm and cozy and sweet and, yes, a little spicy. Or to use another beverage based metaphor, if Michael Bhoiblée is Vodka and Egg Nog with a Netflix fireplace on your TV (which has its place!!), Leslie Odom Jr. is a Laghavulin 16 Year by a real, wood-burning fireplace.
My World Famous Advent Playlists
Over the last four years or so I’ve been scouring the known universe for the best Christmas music among the children of men. I have plunged into the deep recesses, investigated the seedy underbellies, and explored the uncharted wildernesses of Spotify and returned with some priceless treasures—namely, a few advent playlists I update and share every year.
There are now eight of them, which is an absolutely absurd number, that will definitely keep growing. Nobody has time for EIGHT Christmas playlists. For god’s sake, no self-respecting adult has time to create eight Christmas playlists. But if you see a few below that appeal to your tastes (and you happen use Spotify) hit that save button! They will change your life forever and cure all your ills, I promise.
The Essentials
I. Classic Christmas Pop
No hipster, meta-modern irony here; no self-conscious kitsch; no satirical critiques of middle class consumerism; just the sounds of the season. Some old and new versions, some well-known and obscure versions, but always only pure classics—straight ahead, unapologetic Christmas music from Burl Ives and Charlie Brown to fresh modern renditions of well-worn classics by folks like Tori Kelly and Leslie Odom Jr., and yes even Michael Bublé!
II. Winter Solstice
This is my favorite and most popular playlist. I don’t know if this breaks any records or not but it’s up to 22 saves, which I think technically means it went mega-viral? Either way, it has been an earth-shattering smash hit.
It's folky, weird, and woodsy; a little dark, sometimes funny. Alas, there is some irony, some kitsch, and some satire here. There are also plenty of sincere folky renditions of classics, alongside totally obscure songs you’ve probably never heard. Sufjan is heavily featured here, as well as artists like Phoebe Bridgers, Andrew Bird, and The Oh Hellos.
III. Incarnatus
A contemplative playlist for meditating on the sacred meaning of Advent. For warmth in the cold, for peace amidst sorrow, for moments of awe (both the “-ful” and “-some” kind), for waiting. From goosebumpy choral renditions of traditional carols to modern ballads with consoling melodies and thoughtful lyrics, everything in this playlist has an ear toward the mystery of the incarnation. It’s mostly sacred music, with some sacred-ish songs scattered among them. The Brilliance, Sufjan, The Porter’s Gate, and Bifrost Arts are featured.
Sub-Genres
IV. The Gift of the Groove
Boots & kats. Bass face. Gospel, funk, & soul. For dancing in the kitchen after one too many spiked ciders. Featuring artists like Stevie Wonder, Earth Wind & Fire, Vulfpeck, and John Legend.
V. Ho Ho Lofi
Lofi is the elevator music of the 10’s and 20’s, and I mean that in the best possible way. I’m convinced that Lofi, more than any other genre, will be abhorred and derided by my son’s generation, like “Smooth Jazz” was for people who grew up with it in the 80’s and 90’s (think of the human trashcan—I mean saxophonist—Kenny G). Neither genre is so much intended to be listened to as “put on”—that is, they are specifically designed to not be listened to. Both genres appropriate the surface level aesthetics of jazz (Smooth Jazz for its sophisticated vibe; Lofi for its nostalgic, relaxing vibe) but without any of the actual content of jazz. Basically, throw them on while studying or hosting a cocktail party and they promise not beg for your attention. Neither have a ton of depth or staying power as a style or artistic movement.
BUT…
That’s not what they’re designed for! And I’ll be damned if Lofi ain’t a vibe. Life is vapor! Nothing lasts! Let’s enjoy Lofi before it becomes lame and boring (as it inevitably will). AND, in my opinion, there is almost no genre of elevator music that better meshes with Christmas. A key ingredient of most great Christmas music is coziness and most of the time coziness is precisely what Lofi is going for. So if you got some studying to do, or some fancy Christmas soiree coming up, put this bad b on and watch the vibe elevate before your very eyes.
VI. Coolyule
In stark contrast to the last one (and the next), Coolyule is made entirely of cold, hard, 100 proof, barrel aged, honest to god jazz. No Mikey Bubbles here. Certainly nothing by the vile demon-spawn Nazi vampire pig, Kenny G. Real jazz music. Nothing more and nothing less. Heavily features artists like the a cappella vocal jazz group Take 6, the greatest living trumpeter Wynton Marsalis, and the unrivaled king of Christmas music himself, Vince Guaraldi (the guy behind the Charlie Brown soundtrack).
VII. Yacht Rockin Around the Christmas Tree
I’m calling it—Christmas 2024 is the Christmas of Yacht Rock. Okay, I know this sounds insane, but I’m really excited about this one. Hear me out!
It all started when I stumbled across the most magical version of “Angels We Have Heard On High” I’ve ever heard in my life—by none other than CCM magnate, Steven Curtis Chapman.
…You mean the titan of campy 90’s Christian music?! You mean the “I’m divin in” guy?! The “Butterfly Kisses” guy?!
The very guy.
Think “Africa” by Toto but it’s “Angels We Have Heard On High” and you’re in church in 1995. Or better yet, think “Strangers Like Me” by Phil Collins (from the Tarzan Soundtrack) but it’s “Angels We Have Heard On High” and you’re in church and it’s 1995.
It grooves like nothing else, the chord changes are complex and soulful, the parts are subtle and well-arranged. My point is, yes, it’s corny, but the song absolutely murders. Sure, Chapman’s vocals have that one of a kind credulous evangelical innocence to them, that only a 90’s CCM artist could pull off, but even that has started to grow on me.
I realized that if the genre of Christmas Yacht Rock wasn’t a thing, I was going to make it one, if it was the last thing I did. And I did just that. Now all I have to do is sit around and wait for my McArthur Grant.
I give you, Yacht Rockin Around The Christmas Tree. Here you will find chorusy synths, reverby roto toms, funky guitars, “jazzy” chords, and all the other (now delightfully campy) sounds that somehow came to represent being hot and rich and near the ocean in the 80’s and 90’s.
Featuring artists like Michael McDonald, Chicago, Air Supply, Whitney Houston, and of course the newly crowned king of CCM Christmas Yacht Rock, Steven Curtis Chapman. If Toto had any Christmas music, they’d be all over this mug; it’d be like 90% of it, but alas.
There’s even some Kenny G here (He’s not so bad!)
VIII. Flyover Country Christmas
The holidays here in the great plains! Mostly classic country, with some Americana, bluegrass and southern rock mixed in. Featuring artists like George Straight, Willie Nelson, Carrie Underwood, and The Lower Lights. None of that artsy Sufjan garbage here.
Thanks Zach!